We'll see u nnt k.
Take care.
We love u.
Saturday, 24 January 2015
Saturday, 29 November 2014
Friday, 3 October 2014
Sunday, 25 March 2012
Fire
You can't fight fire with fire.
Water cools fire.
Complementary.
They say fire and water make soulmates.
Fire goes well with fire.
In a sense it blends right in.
They say fire and fire make bestfriends.
I'm fire.
Are you?
Water cools fire.
Complementary.
They say fire and water make soulmates.
Fire goes well with fire.
In a sense it blends right in.
They say fire and fire make bestfriends.
I'm fire.
Are you?
Friday, 23 March 2012
Relief
The only way to get rid of the pain in our psyche is to come to terms or let go of the source.
You can never put out a fire with water if the fuel keeping it alive is left unattended to.
We can pour water over the fire in the form of antidepressants to relieve the pain but once the tide runs low, everything kicks back in again.
For some, the source can never be extinguished like the experience of being raped. So we provide a waterfall for them to at least take the heat of the fire away.
They will live normally like we all do, intoxicated with medication. But that constant source of psyche pain will eat away at their souls. And finally, death is the only real liberation for these unfortunate tortured beings.
-Dr S Ali-
You can never put out a fire with water if the fuel keeping it alive is left unattended to.
We can pour water over the fire in the form of antidepressants to relieve the pain but once the tide runs low, everything kicks back in again.
For some, the source can never be extinguished like the experience of being raped. So we provide a waterfall for them to at least take the heat of the fire away.
They will live normally like we all do, intoxicated with medication. But that constant source of psyche pain will eat away at their souls. And finally, death is the only real liberation for these unfortunate tortured beings.
-Dr S Ali-
Monday, 19 March 2012
Unwind
Assalam
It was an impulsive act. A compulsion to hear it again. I don't know why I did but I just did.
10 minutes of rain and thunder playing on itunes.
I haven't played the mp3 file for ages but today was different. I just felt the need to hear it. To gain that soothing effect it has, makes me want to curl up in my duvet and lie there, thoughts racing but eventually calming down. That high pitched soprano annoys me, the same as accusations for not living an organised life. If mine is not, then theres very few in this world that is.
I had a 30min mp3 file of rain and thunder which was lost when I reformatted my laptop. Such a shame but hey ho, at least 10mins is better than nothing.
It helps me unwind
It was an impulsive act. A compulsion to hear it again. I don't know why I did but I just did.
10 minutes of rain and thunder playing on itunes.
I haven't played the mp3 file for ages but today was different. I just felt the need to hear it. To gain that soothing effect it has, makes me want to curl up in my duvet and lie there, thoughts racing but eventually calming down. That high pitched soprano annoys me, the same as accusations for not living an organised life. If mine is not, then theres very few in this world that is.
I had a 30min mp3 file of rain and thunder which was lost when I reformatted my laptop. Such a shame but hey ho, at least 10mins is better than nothing.
It helps me unwind
Saturday, 10 March 2012
Harsh
Im becoming more harsh by each passing day. Where is all this anger coming from? I thought I left all of it behind. Dazed and confused
Sunday, 4 March 2012
Anger
Assalam
Yesterday was terrible. The worst blip I had in all my anger management history. Two guys were floored with my fist, all because of a football match.
It might sound really stupid, but there was a lot more to it. They hacked again and again at our feet, never once did a tackle seem aimed at the ball. I lost my senses when I was tackled from the back and front, leaving my shin and ankle bruised and swollen. That tipped the scale of things, I couldn't hold it anymore.
Punches were thrown, one guy on all fours, begging me not to kill him.
"Aku tak wat pape dowh kt ko".
Yeah right. He was the opponent's goalkeeper. A doctor working in the UK, well known for placing opportunistic punches and kicks whenever an altercation between players occur and fleeing the site when he's had his fix of adrenaline. My first punch was into the jaw of the defender who tried to break my leg. The subsequent 2 punches were into Dodo's face. The rascal goalkeeper who:
1. Slapped the face of the referee when he was redcarded for two consecutive sliding challenges (that could've left the other guys disabled) during Notts Games final.
2. Stamp on a fellow players face with football boots after he tackled him to the ground.
This guy has a history of misconduct but since he's a doctor, a graduate of Manchester Uni, nothing seems to be done to him.
At the peak of my anger, Dodo ran all the way from his goal line, threw a punch and a stab kick at me. That was too much for me to swallow, I grabbed him by the collar and floored him with two punches. He was left on his arse, on the groud, at my feet. In my mind, there was only one thing left to do: rip this guy's face off with the sole of my football shoes.
"aku x wat pape dowh, aku x wat pape"
Fortunately, I was held back by his teamates, and seeing me bound in arms, he stood up and kicked me in the chest. Felt like a slap but them letting him do it again was what angered me.
This was the first time someone stood up to him and will continue to do so if he ever dares to repeat such conducts.
Despite all that, I might have floored him but I was the weak one. I was weaker than him because I had the physical strength to overpower them all, but I let my anger take over me. Even until now I don't see how I'll ever be able to just laugh it off or walk away from such foul play, but I admit I am still too weak.
Ya Allah, perbaikilah sifatku sebaik kejadianku. Bantulah aku dalam mengawal kemarahan. Aku khuatir satu hari nanti, marah ini akan menyebabkan kesusahan kepadaku dan orang-orang yang aku sayang. Kau mudahkanlah urusanku Ya Allah.
Yesterday was terrible. The worst blip I had in all my anger management history. Two guys were floored with my fist, all because of a football match.
It might sound really stupid, but there was a lot more to it. They hacked again and again at our feet, never once did a tackle seem aimed at the ball. I lost my senses when I was tackled from the back and front, leaving my shin and ankle bruised and swollen. That tipped the scale of things, I couldn't hold it anymore.
Punches were thrown, one guy on all fours, begging me not to kill him.
"Aku tak wat pape dowh kt ko".
Yeah right. He was the opponent's goalkeeper. A doctor working in the UK, well known for placing opportunistic punches and kicks whenever an altercation between players occur and fleeing the site when he's had his fix of adrenaline. My first punch was into the jaw of the defender who tried to break my leg. The subsequent 2 punches were into Dodo's face. The rascal goalkeeper who:
1. Slapped the face of the referee when he was redcarded for two consecutive sliding challenges (that could've left the other guys disabled) during Notts Games final.
2. Stamp on a fellow players face with football boots after he tackled him to the ground.
This guy has a history of misconduct but since he's a doctor, a graduate of Manchester Uni, nothing seems to be done to him.
At the peak of my anger, Dodo ran all the way from his goal line, threw a punch and a stab kick at me. That was too much for me to swallow, I grabbed him by the collar and floored him with two punches. He was left on his arse, on the groud, at my feet. In my mind, there was only one thing left to do: rip this guy's face off with the sole of my football shoes.
"aku x wat pape dowh, aku x wat pape"
Fortunately, I was held back by his teamates, and seeing me bound in arms, he stood up and kicked me in the chest. Felt like a slap but them letting him do it again was what angered me.
This was the first time someone stood up to him and will continue to do so if he ever dares to repeat such conducts.
Despite all that, I might have floored him but I was the weak one. I was weaker than him because I had the physical strength to overpower them all, but I let my anger take over me. Even until now I don't see how I'll ever be able to just laugh it off or walk away from such foul play, but I admit I am still too weak.
Ya Allah, perbaikilah sifatku sebaik kejadianku. Bantulah aku dalam mengawal kemarahan. Aku khuatir satu hari nanti, marah ini akan menyebabkan kesusahan kepadaku dan orang-orang yang aku sayang. Kau mudahkanlah urusanku Ya Allah.
Wednesday, 29 February 2012
Someone
Currently playing on loop. Pitter patter of tiny feet that could have been.
Reminds me of someone. The sadness. Allahummaghfirlahu warhamhu.
Monday, 27 February 2012
Mixed weekend
The past weekend has been a mix of everything really.
1. My paediatrics placement has come to an end. I don't mind treating a critically ill child if I see one but honestly, those past 6weeks has only made me slightly more confident than I ever was with children.
2. I tried to repay Abdul Musawwir Ali the £5 he lent me, which he refused to recieve as 'it was his duty to help a Muslim brother in need'. May Allah bestow upon you His wealth and blessings. May I also feel the same sense of responsibility towards fellow muslims in Syria, Somalia and elsewhere in the world.
3. One of my best mates, Ammar Azmi has been crashing at my place for just over a month. Nice to have a brother around and listen to the stories he had to tell. Left for Malaysia this afternoon, and insyaAllah we'll meet again my bro.
4. Met Nazrin, one of my juniors back in koleq at Sheffield Games. Saw Kimal, Gangdust mates (eventhough it didn't go quite as planned) and won a bronze medal with Sheffield SMSA as they imported me for the 3rd/4th match. Scored 4 goals out of a 5-2 win, the other being an own goal. Alhamdulillah.
1. My paediatrics placement has come to an end. I don't mind treating a critically ill child if I see one but honestly, those past 6weeks has only made me slightly more confident than I ever was with children.
2. I tried to repay Abdul Musawwir Ali the £5 he lent me, which he refused to recieve as 'it was his duty to help a Muslim brother in need'. May Allah bestow upon you His wealth and blessings. May I also feel the same sense of responsibility towards fellow muslims in Syria, Somalia and elsewhere in the world.
3. One of my best mates, Ammar Azmi has been crashing at my place for just over a month. Nice to have a brother around and listen to the stories he had to tell. Left for Malaysia this afternoon, and insyaAllah we'll meet again my bro.
4. Met Nazrin, one of my juniors back in koleq at Sheffield Games. Saw Kimal, Gangdust mates (eventhough it didn't go quite as planned) and won a bronze medal with Sheffield SMSA as they imported me for the 3rd/4th match. Scored 4 goals out of a 5-2 win, the other being an own goal. Alhamdulillah.
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Ive missed you
Dear Dadu,
Its been a while since we've seen each other. Ive missed you, but good to be back. Lets do some covers some time soon. Warm up is on its way. Lets hope no one gets hurt. Music please!
Its been a while since we've seen each other. Ive missed you, but good to be back. Lets do some covers some time soon. Warm up is on its way. Lets hope no one gets hurt. Music please!
Wednesday, 1 February 2012
Rezeki
1st week of Paeds
Ahsan introduced me to the long connecting corridors of Bradford Royal Infirmary. I felt lost, not being able to recognise the main corridor to the ones that branched out. Nor was I able to tell where the ATM for cash was or the small prayer room for daily prayer and also for Friday prayers. But we stopped, prayed Zohor followed by Asar as Jama' Taqdim. Another brother joined us as we were in the second rakaat. Alhamdulillah, all went well.
2nd week of paeds
I went to the gym for induction, who knew that things here were very cheap. Gym with a full set of facilities only cost GBP2.50/week. I signed up for the whole duration of stay (5weeks) and had my induction with Athirah. After induction, we were allowed to enjoy the gym as signing up was officially completed. At the weights section, a brother was chatting away to another fellow brother and damn, these guys were pumping some serious weights. I can barely managed 20kg dumbells, these guys were doing 30-40kg. As I was sitting there inferiorly doing chest fly reps, the brother offered his hand and gave the salam.
"Assalamualaikum brother, I remember you. You imamed our Zohor prayer. I was praying behind you, with your friend"
"Wa'alaikumussalam. Ah, I see. Sorry I didn't notice you"
"It's ok. You must be from Malaysia or Indonesia right? People from that region have beautiful voices and have very good recitation of the Quran"
"Yes I am from Malaysia. Thank you, thank you, you're being too generous"
The both of us carried on working out while he continued to talk to his friend on the far side of the gym.
3rd week of paeds
I met my friend again in the gym. This time we properly introduced ourselves. His name was Abdul Musawwir. He was a man of great concerns for his deen, aged 28 and looking into marriage. He was scared to have a family in the UK, and wanted to go to Egypt to raise a family there. But he was also concerned of the political instability. In a nutshell, he wanted an environment where Islam is taught and not coerced, embedded into an individual through example and understanding. A good man he was, mashaAllah.
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High Park Special School
8.30am-3.30pm
It was 7am and I had to get to the bus stop at 7.58am. I bathed, prayed Subuh and had breakfast.
7.30am. I had enough time to go to the main hospital site, withdraw cash and get on the 7.58am bus into town where I change buses and reach my destination at about 8.41am. Not too far off compared to 8.30am. Should be ok. I walked with a purpose, through the long main corridors of Bradford Royal Infirmary and stopped at the ATM. Gobsmacked.
"Sorry, this ATM is unable to dispense cash. We apologise for any inconvenience."
What was I to do? It was 7.40am, I didn't have enough time to go back and borrow money off friends. I couldn't get on the bus either as I literally had no cash. I sat down, organising my strategy on what to do next. Head in hands, I cursed myself for not withdrawing money the night before. Damn it. But then, a hand grabbed my shoulder.
"Assalamualaikum brother. How are you?"
It was Abdul Musawwir. At least I had someone to ask help from. I asked him the nearest ATM apart from the one in the hospital. He directed me towards the row of fastfood shops a few hundred metres away from BRI. I was happy with the plan, because once there, I can get the bus straight into town. There was another bus stop outside the bank. But I stalled as I was walking away. What if that ATM had no money? It was 7.40am, the ATMs are definitely not restocked yet. I would be walking a long way back and would be that much later arriving at High Park Special School. I was at ends within my own wit.
"How much do you need bro?'
"Just enough to get on the bus"
"Here bro, take this"
Abdul Musawwir handed me a fiver and sent me on my way. MashaAllah, if I had not imamed the prayer that day, this help from Allah in the form of Abdul Musawwir might not have arrived. Alhamdulillah, rezeki datang dalam pelbagai bentuk dan rupa.
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At High Park Special School, it was awkward. I felt a deep sensation, looking at individuals physically aged 16-19, but with mental age of less than 3 years. An 18 year old girl kept on hugging me, looking for affection as how a little toddler would do. Another 19 year old threw a tantrum and was like a bulldozer as he pushed and thrashed at staff, all because he wanted to go the toilet and did not know how to communicate his thoughts. Taking things for granted is a serious issue which we will never really understand its extent until we lose something or see others deprived of what we have.
Ya Allah, thank You for who You have made me today. Thank You for showering the people who are dear to me and myself with Your blessings. Please make us Your humble servants, always thankful and content with life but at the same time striving for excellence. All for happiness and success in this world and the life to come. Ameen
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Perceptions
My perception has definitely changed. I couldn't find the catchy beat in this tune until I heard it the second time. Several months apart.
"ooooo, oooooo, how long till your surrender..."
Friday, 27 January 2012
Plans
Assalamualaikum
I've become more unsure of what type of doctor I want to be in the future. When I started off in medicine, I've always wanted to become an orthopaedic surgeon. Then I wanted to become a surgeon, but not sure which specialty. Then I thought if not surgery, I might consider interventional radiography. But the thought of becoming an anaesthetist was really appealing. However, only A&E consultants in emergency medicine are able to maintain a wide array if knowledge unlike other specialties where it becomes so specialised that some consultants cannot remember where semitendinosus is. The more I learn and experience, the more lost I am. Back to square one.
I've become more unsure of what type of doctor I want to be in the future. When I started off in medicine, I've always wanted to become an orthopaedic surgeon. Then I wanted to become a surgeon, but not sure which specialty. Then I thought if not surgery, I might consider interventional radiography. But the thought of becoming an anaesthetist was really appealing. However, only A&E consultants in emergency medicine are able to maintain a wide array if knowledge unlike other specialties where it becomes so specialised that some consultants cannot remember where semitendinosus is. The more I learn and experience, the more lost I am. Back to square one.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
El Classico
Assalam
The lesson from today's el classico:
"don't give others the chance to ruin you. Don't risk it. Take the opportunity you are presented with"
Higuain, higuain, higuain.
Its been a while since I wanted to watch Barcelona lose. And it has yet to happen. Watching them lose to Almeria won't satisfy this urge. It has to be fierce rivals. Then the satisfaction!
But credits to Barca, they work hard and ball possession has never been demonstrated any better than by them. I don't support Madrid, but it has come to point were theatricals should be kicked out of football. Along with racism.
So much talk about simulation a few years back. I guess things come in cycles. Soon we'll be seeing loose fit football jerseys and almost hot-pants-lengthed shorts!
The lesson from today's el classico:
"don't give others the chance to ruin you. Don't risk it. Take the opportunity you are presented with"
Higuain, higuain, higuain.
Its been a while since I wanted to watch Barcelona lose. And it has yet to happen. Watching them lose to Almeria won't satisfy this urge. It has to be fierce rivals. Then the satisfaction!
But credits to Barca, they work hard and ball possession has never been demonstrated any better than by them. I don't support Madrid, but it has come to point were theatricals should be kicked out of football. Along with racism.
So much talk about simulation a few years back. I guess things come in cycles. Soon we'll be seeing loose fit football jerseys and almost hot-pants-lengthed shorts!
Monday, 23 January 2012
Reflect
Assalam
First day on paeds flew by. I sat at the empty table in the restaurant, all seats for myself. I was not selfish, its just that no one was really there at 4.30pm.
I read and reread my previous posts. Sigh.
"don't say things you don't mean because people will hold on to it".
Yes, cliche but I've been told that many times. Theres a reason why its a cliche. It bears the truth.
I look back and realise how words of encouragement were showered at me from my beloved folks. Deep down all they wanted was to spur me on, make sure I work hard enough for the better of my own future. Yet I took te words literally and was left holding on to something that may never materialise. I whine and sulk but I should have known better. It was words of motivation bck then. Like what I saw in her aged eyes, I held on to what ayah said. Thank you ayah. I'm better now.
But what was all that compared to the child who's parents put out cigarettes on his body? The one who vomits constantly day and night and suffers permanent brain damage after being shook by mother's new boyfriend? Or the 33week premature twins whom were given birth to by a cocaine-heroin-methodone addict mother who never came back to see them once the hospital discharged her?
If humans held grudges, these souls are definitely the ones to understandably do so. They deserve to question why they were treated as such, because all they did was to come to this world, nothing more. Not a slight particle of wrongdoing, no matter how you twist and turn the circumstances. Bend it over backwards and forth, these infants are innocent. Astaghfirullah, I was so ungrateful with life. I felt I had been wronged by Ayah and even if he did get me a new phone, I'ld probably be ashamed to accept, with these indiviuals playing at the back of mind. It was not a neccesity, it was luxury back then. How badly they will be scarred is a mystery. Physical, mental and emotions all mashed up so bad that it surfaces as a troubled and annoying child. Poor biopsychosocial circumstances leads to a perpetuation of such suffering, creating a vicious cycle of generations and generation of disturbed individuals. Before we judge others, take a moment to consider what that person has been through and insyaAllah we will be receptive of others around us. If we cannot break the cycle, then let us at least be 'the person who was nice to them'.
First day on paeds flew by. I sat at the empty table in the restaurant, all seats for myself. I was not selfish, its just that no one was really there at 4.30pm.
I read and reread my previous posts. Sigh.
"don't say things you don't mean because people will hold on to it".
Yes, cliche but I've been told that many times. Theres a reason why its a cliche. It bears the truth.
I look back and realise how words of encouragement were showered at me from my beloved folks. Deep down all they wanted was to spur me on, make sure I work hard enough for the better of my own future. Yet I took te words literally and was left holding on to something that may never materialise. I whine and sulk but I should have known better. It was words of motivation bck then. Like what I saw in her aged eyes, I held on to what ayah said. Thank you ayah. I'm better now.
But what was all that compared to the child who's parents put out cigarettes on his body? The one who vomits constantly day and night and suffers permanent brain damage after being shook by mother's new boyfriend? Or the 33week premature twins whom were given birth to by a cocaine-heroin-methodone addict mother who never came back to see them once the hospital discharged her?
If humans held grudges, these souls are definitely the ones to understandably do so. They deserve to question why they were treated as such, because all they did was to come to this world, nothing more. Not a slight particle of wrongdoing, no matter how you twist and turn the circumstances. Bend it over backwards and forth, these infants are innocent. Astaghfirullah, I was so ungrateful with life. I felt I had been wronged by Ayah and even if he did get me a new phone, I'ld probably be ashamed to accept, with these indiviuals playing at the back of mind. It was not a neccesity, it was luxury back then. How badly they will be scarred is a mystery. Physical, mental and emotions all mashed up so bad that it surfaces as a troubled and annoying child. Poor biopsychosocial circumstances leads to a perpetuation of such suffering, creating a vicious cycle of generations and generation of disturbed individuals. Before we judge others, take a moment to consider what that person has been through and insyaAllah we will be receptive of others around us. If we cannot break the cycle, then let us at least be 'the person who was nice to them'.
Sunday, 22 January 2012
Another week
Ive just arrived in Bradford for my 2nd week. More things to learn insyaAllah. I cant believe that I am kind of enjoying paeds, much to my own surprise. Reminds me of anak2 kak fizah as I crawled on all fours. Is it the excellent teaching, the kids or is this the path for me?
Lessons
This weekend has been more than the usual.
1. I finally let out things I wanted to say for a long time. It might be blunt, but stakat dok ckp2 belakang x guna. Dosa mengumpat hanya terhapus when you own up to the subject and plead for forgiveness.
2. I learnt that not everyone has the guts to say things up front. Most prefer to melt into their shirt collar and whisper behind peoples back. In virtual world they have the loudest voice, but absolutely no substance in reality.
3. You can only teach people real lessons by depriving them of what you have given. If not they take you for granted.
4. People are around you because they have an interest at hand. Be it a roof, a sorted out house bill and internet connection or nk tumpang mkn duit housemates lain byr in order to achieve your body building goals.
5. Anger is normally the initial reaction before people understand the main point you're trying to convey. Be angry all you want, you will finally realise what I am doing here is to teach us all a lesson.
6. The manchester teams are still the ones to beat. =P
Have a good week ahead everyone.
1. I finally let out things I wanted to say for a long time. It might be blunt, but stakat dok ckp2 belakang x guna. Dosa mengumpat hanya terhapus when you own up to the subject and plead for forgiveness.
2. I learnt that not everyone has the guts to say things up front. Most prefer to melt into their shirt collar and whisper behind peoples back. In virtual world they have the loudest voice, but absolutely no substance in reality.
3. You can only teach people real lessons by depriving them of what you have given. If not they take you for granted.
4. People are around you because they have an interest at hand. Be it a roof, a sorted out house bill and internet connection or nk tumpang mkn duit housemates lain byr in order to achieve your body building goals.
5. Anger is normally the initial reaction before people understand the main point you're trying to convey. Be angry all you want, you will finally realise what I am doing here is to teach us all a lesson.
6. The manchester teams are still the ones to beat. =P
Have a good week ahead everyone.
Saturday, 21 January 2012
Handphone
Nanti ko dh abeh SPM ko dpt la handphone.
Its been almost 7yrs, still nothg to show for all the effort. It was all for you guys, to make you happy and proud. All I wanted was some acknowledgement. To be rewarded like my peers. But no, I'm not like them I guess.
Someone got a car recently while the most of us watched on. Is it my fault sebab tak mintak and now sulking like a 3year old? Or was I too sensible knowing all I'll get is a backlash from the big man?
Ntah la, ini semua kerja setan nak bagi iri hati. I apologise. Maybe I wasn't fated to be spoilt. I am the eldest son afterall.
Ya Allah, panjangkanlah umur kedua ibu bapaku, adik beradik, sahabat handai dan seluruh muslimin muslinat. Kurniakanlah kami kejayaan dan bahagia dunia akhirat. Amin.
PS: i love you.
Its been almost 7yrs, still nothg to show for all the effort. It was all for you guys, to make you happy and proud. All I wanted was some acknowledgement. To be rewarded like my peers. But no, I'm not like them I guess.
Someone got a car recently while the most of us watched on. Is it my fault sebab tak mintak and now sulking like a 3year old? Or was I too sensible knowing all I'll get is a backlash from the big man?
Ntah la, ini semua kerja setan nak bagi iri hati. I apologise. Maybe I wasn't fated to be spoilt. I am the eldest son afterall.
Ya Allah, panjangkanlah umur kedua ibu bapaku, adik beradik, sahabat handai dan seluruh muslimin muslinat. Kurniakanlah kami kejayaan dan bahagia dunia akhirat. Amin.
PS: i love you.
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