Bipolar

Ever heard of neurons? The three main types are uni polar, bipolar and multi polar. Thats as far as I know. Its an ingenius way to gate the transmission of impulses, action potentials and whatever else name there is.

Thats not my point though. Its all about personality. Have you ever had that period, moment, second or fraction in life that makes you feel you are trapped between two personalities? Ponder on that for a second and hold the answer in your head. If you haven't, either you are living your life the one and only way you want to or you just don't see the biggest room in the world, roon for improvement. If you have had these i'm-torn-between-two situations, you're as weak as I am.

I want to be the craziest person on earth, doing the craziest things you can ever think of. But I also want to be a wise person who acts when the situation summons. I want to go round being a man of his whim, do as I please and live life to its brim. But I also want to be a person who's devoted to God and my religion for the afterlife is the ultimate end. I want to taste all worldly pleasures, but I also want a secure place in heaven. I want to be top of my class but I also want to have a laid back uni life. I want to be better than Messi in football but I don't think I want to practice as much as he does. I also want to be a top flight surgeon that can beat Garry Kasparov and Deep Blue.

But, I can't. The only thing I can do is get my priorities right. Ya Allah, bestow upon me the strength to pursuit truth and righteousness and evade me from what displeases You. Ameen.

Dimensi

1. Amek sehelai kertas
2. lukiskan satu petak
3. tandakan 'x' di dalam petak tersebut
4. tandakan 'o' di luar petak tersebut
5. telah siap lukisan 2D anda

Scenario 1
bayangkan anda adalah o tersebut. bayangkan dunia anda adalah 2D. adakah anda dapat melihat x yang berada di dalam petak tersebut? Walau macam mana pon anda tawaf petak tersebut, anda hanya akan dapat melihat satu garisan atau dinding, dan mungkin kesimpulan yang anda dapat buat ialah, theres nothing there. Namun, tanpa anda ketahui, di dalam petak tersebut ada x.

Scenario 2
Sekarang, anda adalah pelukis lukisan tadi. Anda kini memerhati lukisan tersebut dari atas, di alam 3D dan 4D. Dapatkah anda melihat o, petak dan juga x? sudah tentu anda dapat melihat semuanya. Tapi dalam situasi tadi, dapatkah o melihat x? tahukan o bahawa x wujud dalam petak tersebut? Di sinilah kehebatan dimensi. Dengan hanya beza satu atau dua dimensi, daripada 2D jadi 3D or 4D, kita dapat melihat sesuatu yg o tidak dapat lihat. Hebat tak?

Tadi semasa melewati khemah Isoc untuk Islamic Week, aku borak dengan seorang ulama atau ustaz atau ilmuwan Islam yang telah dijemput daripada Leicester. Sungguh hebat orangnya. Tapi yang menarik perhatian aku bukanlah ilmuwan tersebut. Tetapi adalah isterinya. Isterinya adalah wanita dalam usia 55-70 tahun. Menggunakan tongkat untuk berjalan, namun jarang skali berjalan sebab dia lebih banyak menggunakan wheelchair untuk membantu pergerakan dia. Wanita ini bernama Anees, sepertimana dia bagitau kat aku. Wanita ini mendapat pendidikan dalam Physics and Mathematics daripada Oxford University. Bukan setakat itu sahaja, dia juga mengajar di Oxford University selama 15tahun kalau tak silap. Tidaklah aku pasti tinggi mana pendidikan dia, tapi kalo dah kt Oxford, semua orang faham.

Anees bagitau kat aku, scientists estimate dunia ini atau secara umunya, alam ini dibuat daripada sekurang-kurangnya 11 dimensi. Jika menggunakan perumpamaan tadi, kita sudah dapat melihat apa yang o tak dapat melihat, bayangkanlah betapa hebatnya 'vision' Allah Taala jika alam ini ada 11D. Tapi tuh baru estimate scientists. Silap2, ada lebih daripada 11D. Mungkin depan kita pon, antara screen laptop dengan badan kita, ada macam-macam benda in between. Tapi, dengan terhadnya keupayaan manusia, we will never know.

Anees kata, she wanted to do a research on the Law of Uncertainty by Heisenberg. Kita semua penah dengar law ni, that states, at any given space or time, at any particular moment, the position of the electron cannot be determine definitely. Dia kata bukanlah dia nak determine kat mana electron tuh, tapi dia nak siasat apakah route yang dilalui electron when it jumps from an energy level to another. Anees kata, she believes it is in another space and time. And this can be related to the dimension analogy that I gave just now. We might think, how can that be? But imagine that you are o once again. If you lived in a 2D world all your life, you will never believe that 3D exists. You must think that, if it does exist, its exists in another space and time. Not in the one you live in. Thats what Anees believes. She knows that she might not live to prove it, but it was just to get the listeners (myself and a few other people) to believe that, humans knowledge is too limited to think too high of ourselves. If you dip a needle into the oceans combined together and take the needle out, the water thats left on the needle tip is the knowledge humans have compared to the oceans that is Allah's.

Nice to know that we've got humble humans aint it? =)

end note: tanpa disedari, I subconciously browsed through flight tickets back to msia for the summer. I do wanna go back I guess....

Under the bridge

Before korg baca, buka dulu lagu under the bridge by RHCP

I found you long ago, too long I can hardly remember. I'm not that much of a memorizer, I can hardly remember how it started. I saw potential in you. Yup, you could be the next big thing. So I took you under my wing, groomed you, help you grow self confidence, partly made you who you are today.

You developed nicely, I can see that you shine more than you used to. You nurtured yourself a big name. Everyone knows you now. But you don't admit it when you're with me. Probably because its your nature to stand low, humbleness, gratitude. Probably because you think you owe it to me. But believe me, it was you all the way. I was just a crutch to help you walk. A pair of shoes to protect your feet. I knitted shawl to keep you warm.

I still remember that time. I had to go on a business trip. I left you, miles away I flew. You're accustomed to having me there for you. You started crying on the phone when we talked. You mentioned loneliness, depression, tension, darkness. I believed it was just a period of maturing that you went through. I knew you had to learn to stand on your own. So I thought best for me not to spoil you. Fortunately, fate held its plans for you. They sent you on a program, more like a camp I might say. It was to build the character in you. Make you stronger, make you independent, make you a goddess.

It was a week that you went there. Maybe not. Maybe it was just 5 days, or maybe 3 days. Yes, thats it, just 3 days. You were starting to enjoy yourself. My presence was less needed, and I was actually glad for that coz I watched you grow from a far. Wow, you really were becoming a goddess. I was impressed. At the program, they taught you almost all you needed to develop character. Not only that, social skill was introduced. To help the participants learn, a social program was held. I knew it was among the strategies developed to help the participants learn to socialize, as to prepare them for the corporate world they are about to indulge into. But to the participants, it was a mere final-night-goodbye-party sort of thing. It was a night of doom for me. It was the night you changed. The night you actually became daring, probably too brave for my liking. You used to come to me whenever you encounter something new. But this time, your newly developed character was put to test. For the 1st time in your life, a drug seeped into you vessels. You liked it like fire! it burned in you, and my absence made it worse. I was not there to protect you.

When you came back from the program, you were like you always were. You hid from me the fact that you were craving for this drug. I'm not sure even up to this very day what it is. It could be cocaine, heroin, weed, you name it. I gave you a longer leash. It showed me that you're more capable of living alone. Standing up for yourself. But you also hid the fact that you were going hard on drugs. It used to be once a week. Then it got more frequent. Eventually, you even got to know the pusher. I was still oblivious.

Do you remember the night I found out? You had one of those drug withdrawal symptoms. You were jsut craving for it. You went hysterics, crying, wailing, shivering uncontrollably, sniffing you hands, stratching the back of your palms. I found you in that state. At a glance, I knew you were into drugs. Glamour shattered you. You fell into the trap so many have preceded before you. I shook with fume, anger, rage. But I know beating you up would not solve the problem. I took you back in under my wings. I had to protect you. You are my child. I raised you.

I took you through detox, rehab. You looked fine. You grew your weight again, you ate well. I was proud that you made it through. You shone again like you once did.

Ohio. Yes, that was it. I had a business trip to Ohio. I had to leave you again, but you begged me not to leave you. I told you it was not for long, only a week. I thought you would understand, knowing the sensible girl you became. You still begged me. I can't stay and you know that. Staying would mean throwing money out the window. I had to do this to put food on the table. You were so desperate for me to stay that you threatened if I left, you'ld go back to drugs. I waved that off, I know you had enough sense to stay away this time. So, I left you with the assurance that I'll be back with gifts for you from Ohio. You smiled, beaming like a flashlight in pitch black darkness. I also told you that I take your drug problems as serious as my own life.

I was wrong when I thought you had enough sense in you. You did go back to drugs. Why did you have to do it? Were you trying to teach me a lesson? Do you not realize its you thats getting destroyed? ITS NOT ME! I was furious, and this time it took me a lot longer to take you back in. You went through detox again, rehab again, because you knew you had to do anything and everything. But this time you went alone. Was it my status that kept you with me? Was it my money? Was it my looks? You promised me you'll never again go near that hellish substance. Because I meant more to you than drugs.

Economic recession. That was the worse part of my life. I lost my job. The whole company got shut down. I was in a state that was just above survival limits. Lucky me I always had this in my mind, so I prepared for the future. But this also meant I no longer had my MG Rover, my Bentley, and my Porsche. I had to sell off all assets that was too high in maintenance costs. And that was when I lost you. You left me, I was no longer a need for you. You left me for good. I was sad, but it just happend. It wasn't my fault I couldn't keep the car. It wasn't my fault I couldn't keep the house. But that was all you saw in me I guess. Drugs walked back into your life. Or should I say, ran back. Are you trying to show me that I no longer call the shots? That you're totally in control? All I can say is, you take care of yourself. I am of no meaning to you anymore. Just don't say I did not warn you of this. Take care my daughter.

ps: a true story of a dad who lost his daughter to drugs. Story modified to keep details anonymous.

Nightingale

Aku x sepandai yang lain dalam membelai kau. My fingers are not as nimble, you might think I don't deserve you. I'ld love to think that I know how to treat you best. But it seems others know better. I can hear your happiness when he touches you. You sound like a nightingale calling from afar. I wish I could do just that, because that makes me happy.

I left you, I thought my time with you was over. I lost interest in you, I can't believe I actually thought of that. But I found that my heart is just too attached to you, like adam and eve, romeo and juliet, day and night, nightingale and I.

I stroke your skin, I hurt myself. Because I know I once thought we were over. But I'm willing to hurt again just for you. I've lost my touch in pleasing you and myself. I wonder how long it's gonna take for me to be able to caress you like I once was able to. I've witnessed others learn more from their realationship, getting better all the time. But on one condition though. It has to be constant, it has to be pure, it has to be passionate, it has to be true.

I envy others when I see them get along so well. I wish we could be just as fine as they are. But love comes slowly for us I guess. I had the chance of proving what we could be, but I pushed it away even without considering thoroughly. I'm just ashamed that I've lost confidence, I've lost the melody of our love, I've lost the artistic side of us. Deep inside, I actually thought of skipping everything the world holds for me that day, so that I can be with you, doing our thing, escourting others.

Its not hurt that I feel when I see others do it. Its pain. It breaks my heart knowing how good we could've been together, all shattered due to my ignorance and the fact that I actually gave up on you. You waited for me all this while. I left you there, in the same room we used to be together in, on the same bed we used to sleep in. The smooth, cool texture of ur body lingers on my fingertips. How I crave for you! The softness like no other, the harmony unmatchable, the fading sounds of your breath. I miss you, I really do.

It took me quite some time to admit that I actually do want you back. I looked for you, high and low, within the wilderness, you came to me, like you always do. But I'm sorry I'm not as good as I used to be. I'm sorry I can no longer sing with you. My voice croaks, its unstable, I've lost it. Our moments together seems less satisfying. With me bearing the pain, you wailing in agony. I hope my fingers can bring back the voice in you. Sliding my numb, cold fingers on your neck, sing for me nightingale!

"stevie, can i borrow your guitar? I can't play mine as well anymore"

Kuak

Depan you, i senyum. I malas la nak marah-marah. Nanti sama je, you melenting balik kalo I marah pon. Ingat tak masa kita sama-sama gi muzium. I belikan you present, you kata I ada niat disebalik hadiah I. Of course, takkan la I nk bg free buta-buta macam tuh. Niat I nak you happy. Tapi you ni penuh dengan prejudis la. Tapi I tetap senyum.

You cantik. I ingat lagi I kata macam tuh kat you. Tapi you buat muka menyampah. You kata tak payahlah nak bodek. I bukan nak bodek. I nak you sedar kat mata I, you memang cantik. Tapi I pelik bila you respond macam tuh. Aneh la you ni. Tapi I tetap senyum.

Biasanya kalo kita jalan-jalan, I pegang tangan you. You pon kadang-kadang suka heret I. You nak masuk kedai ni la, kedai tuh la. I ikot je. Nak tau sebab apa? Sebab I tau kalo I ikot, nanti mesti you happy punya. I pon happy bila I tengok you happy. Best kan bila kita sama-sama happy? Rasa macam nk jd heroes, kasi masa berhenti. Tapi I bukan orang Jepun eventhough I perasan I Jepun. Lawak la. Bila you happy, you jadi manja dengan I. I suka sangat. You kadang-kadang ada mood swing. I faham. I pon macam tuh. Yang tak best tuh kalau you tiba-tiba marah. I pon jadi marah balik dalam hati. Tapi I tetap senyum.

You kata sekarang ni you tengah busy. I paham, so I bagi you masa untuk you prepare. Biasala, you punya first job interview. I tengak you iron baju bukan main lagi. Kalo I tersentuh baju you tuh, sure luka. Punya la mantap you iron. Tapi kenapa bila I bagi you masa, I tak kacau you, you kata I main pompuan lain? I kecik hati dengan sikap you kadang-kadang. Tapi I tetap senyum.

You selalu kata you sayang I. Tapi kadang-kadang you macam berat je nak cakap kat I walaupun you dah berkali-kali cakap. I ternanti-nanti. Bila you cakap je, biasa la, tertutup mata I senyum punya pasal. Tapi, I pelik la. You perasan tak, bila you tak ada dengan I, I rasa sangat rapat dengan you. Macam I tengah hug you. I memang ternanti-nanti nak jumpa you. Bila kita finally jumpa, I rasa macam jauh sangat dengan you. I jalan sebelah you, tapi I macam jalan sorang-sorang. Weird kan? I rasa sangat lonely. Tapi I tetap senyum.

You nak tau? I dah berubah. Sebenarnye, I nak ke tak nak, I tetap akan senyum. Doctor kata punca I sentiasa tersenyum ni sebab ada clot dalam otak I. I tak ingat term doctor tuh guna, tapi dia kata sama macam sakit jantung, cuma jadi kt otak. I rasa sakit sebenarnya. Tapi i tetap senyum.

Soleil

Soleil

Upon my back you beamed
scorching my neck, my back, my heels
i tanned under your rays
i kick the sphere on grassy fields
you set beautifully, the magenta horizon
the golden paths, the caramel sea

no longer are you as frequent with me
I look to the moon for enlightment
I seek your rays through another body
but its not you now, its the moon i see

I loved soleil up in the heavens
i love the moon up there as well
if you shone, i choose you
if the moon shone i choose the moon
without either, i am lost
restless and anxious in an ebony ocean
groping to find my path along

I'm lucky that you give way to the moon
in this frosty weather i see less of you
so now i turn to the pearl of the sky
i'll hold onto it, so share your light!

I do not regret soleil is not there
coz now i have the moon for my daily fares
i'm happy and cool under the brilliant white beam
i'll hold onto you
the majestic night queen