Under the bridge

Before korg baca, buka dulu lagu under the bridge by RHCP

I found you long ago, too long I can hardly remember. I'm not that much of a memorizer, I can hardly remember how it started. I saw potential in you. Yup, you could be the next big thing. So I took you under my wing, groomed you, help you grow self confidence, partly made you who you are today.

You developed nicely, I can see that you shine more than you used to. You nurtured yourself a big name. Everyone knows you now. But you don't admit it when you're with me. Probably because its your nature to stand low, humbleness, gratitude. Probably because you think you owe it to me. But believe me, it was you all the way. I was just a crutch to help you walk. A pair of shoes to protect your feet. I knitted shawl to keep you warm.

I still remember that time. I had to go on a business trip. I left you, miles away I flew. You're accustomed to having me there for you. You started crying on the phone when we talked. You mentioned loneliness, depression, tension, darkness. I believed it was just a period of maturing that you went through. I knew you had to learn to stand on your own. So I thought best for me not to spoil you. Fortunately, fate held its plans for you. They sent you on a program, more like a camp I might say. It was to build the character in you. Make you stronger, make you independent, make you a goddess.

It was a week that you went there. Maybe not. Maybe it was just 5 days, or maybe 3 days. Yes, thats it, just 3 days. You were starting to enjoy yourself. My presence was less needed, and I was actually glad for that coz I watched you grow from a far. Wow, you really were becoming a goddess. I was impressed. At the program, they taught you almost all you needed to develop character. Not only that, social skill was introduced. To help the participants learn, a social program was held. I knew it was among the strategies developed to help the participants learn to socialize, as to prepare them for the corporate world they are about to indulge into. But to the participants, it was a mere final-night-goodbye-party sort of thing. It was a night of doom for me. It was the night you changed. The night you actually became daring, probably too brave for my liking. You used to come to me whenever you encounter something new. But this time, your newly developed character was put to test. For the 1st time in your life, a drug seeped into you vessels. You liked it like fire! it burned in you, and my absence made it worse. I was not there to protect you.

When you came back from the program, you were like you always were. You hid from me the fact that you were craving for this drug. I'm not sure even up to this very day what it is. It could be cocaine, heroin, weed, you name it. I gave you a longer leash. It showed me that you're more capable of living alone. Standing up for yourself. But you also hid the fact that you were going hard on drugs. It used to be once a week. Then it got more frequent. Eventually, you even got to know the pusher. I was still oblivious.

Do you remember the night I found out? You had one of those drug withdrawal symptoms. You were jsut craving for it. You went hysterics, crying, wailing, shivering uncontrollably, sniffing you hands, stratching the back of your palms. I found you in that state. At a glance, I knew you were into drugs. Glamour shattered you. You fell into the trap so many have preceded before you. I shook with fume, anger, rage. But I know beating you up would not solve the problem. I took you back in under my wings. I had to protect you. You are my child. I raised you.

I took you through detox, rehab. You looked fine. You grew your weight again, you ate well. I was proud that you made it through. You shone again like you once did.

Ohio. Yes, that was it. I had a business trip to Ohio. I had to leave you again, but you begged me not to leave you. I told you it was not for long, only a week. I thought you would understand, knowing the sensible girl you became. You still begged me. I can't stay and you know that. Staying would mean throwing money out the window. I had to do this to put food on the table. You were so desperate for me to stay that you threatened if I left, you'ld go back to drugs. I waved that off, I know you had enough sense to stay away this time. So, I left you with the assurance that I'll be back with gifts for you from Ohio. You smiled, beaming like a flashlight in pitch black darkness. I also told you that I take your drug problems as serious as my own life.

I was wrong when I thought you had enough sense in you. You did go back to drugs. Why did you have to do it? Were you trying to teach me a lesson? Do you not realize its you thats getting destroyed? ITS NOT ME! I was furious, and this time it took me a lot longer to take you back in. You went through detox again, rehab again, because you knew you had to do anything and everything. But this time you went alone. Was it my status that kept you with me? Was it my money? Was it my looks? You promised me you'll never again go near that hellish substance. Because I meant more to you than drugs.

Economic recession. That was the worse part of my life. I lost my job. The whole company got shut down. I was in a state that was just above survival limits. Lucky me I always had this in my mind, so I prepared for the future. But this also meant I no longer had my MG Rover, my Bentley, and my Porsche. I had to sell off all assets that was too high in maintenance costs. And that was when I lost you. You left me, I was no longer a need for you. You left me for good. I was sad, but it just happend. It wasn't my fault I couldn't keep the car. It wasn't my fault I couldn't keep the house. But that was all you saw in me I guess. Drugs walked back into your life. Or should I say, ran back. Are you trying to show me that I no longer call the shots? That you're totally in control? All I can say is, you take care of yourself. I am of no meaning to you anymore. Just don't say I did not warn you of this. Take care my daughter.

ps: a true story of a dad who lost his daughter to drugs. Story modified to keep details anonymous.