Ayah

When I was a child, I would often fake falling asleep in the car when the whole family travelled. Even if I was asleep, I normally wake up upon arrival but I keep my eyes shut. Just so ayah would lift me from my seat, carry me inside and tuck me in.

Ayah was (maybe still is) a fierce man. I was so scared of him when i was small and I guess we never really bonded. My friends were my world. I can see how he has changed his approach with my younger brothers. They're much closer to him than I am. At times I feel like I want to have a tet-a-tet with ayah but I find it awkward. On the phone, theres always that silence before he hands the phone back to mama. I wish things were slightly different. Theres that raging feeling inside of wanting to let out things and just chat with him. But his serious expressions just clamps out all the nerves I have. Maybe one day all this will change insyaAllah.