Ya Allah, provide me the strength

Its gonna be exactly 2weeks post-op come the day tomorrow. and alhamdulillah, my leg is getting better. i'm able to partially flex my leg, and almost fully extend it. too bad inactivity and the braces i wear each day causes disuse atrophy on my quads and hamstring, the right thigh being shrunken to a much smaller size compared to my left, and well beyond the size both were during my prime sporting times dulu.

"mukhlis, mukhlis, are you awake?"

the nurse in recovery called out to me, trying to wake me up from the crazy anaesthesia they gave me, general and local. Last thing i remembered was being in the ante-room to the operation theatre, the anaesthetist re-running me through my anaesthesia jabs again.

*****

"we'll give you this general anaesthetic so that you won't feel a thing when you're in there. we'll also give you a local anaesthetic at the top of your hip, it should totally numb the front two thirds of your knee and quads. Its to help with the pain when they'll be drilling your knee and thigh bone. I won't say you won't feel any pain at all, but it will certainly help"

"ok, i'm going to give you the general anaesthesia first through your cannula. your hand's going to be a bit fuzzy but its nothing to worry about"

so the anaesthetist inoculated me with some milky white stuff, my hand immediately vibrating with pain as it entered my body through the cannula at the back of my left palm. I was thinking shit, this thing is crazy!

as he finished inoculating, he waved the oxygen over my mouth.

"this will help you sleep"

before the oxygen mask even touched my face, i was out numb and desensitized.
it was 8.30am.

*****

at 2.30pm, i was in recovery with the nurse calling my name.

"how are you feeling?"

"my leg is aching! urghhhhh!!!!"

the nurse immediately told me she was going to give me morphine through my cannula again. as she did, she started pushing down loads of saline.

"you're sensitive towards morphine i'm afraid"

she was rubbing my forearm while pushing down more saline. i thought something was wrong, so i sluggishly glanced at my left arm. i saw my skin bulging everywhere, while the nurse was frantically rubbing at it. but i could'nt care much, the morphine did ease my pain. i then lapsed into another round of sleep, a loop that continued for several hours, me falling asleep and only waking up at intervals a few minutes long before passing out again. this was so bad that when food came, i had toast. i fell asleep while applying butter on my toast, waking up 2hours later to find it already turned cold. they sent me another set, only to find me taking a bite and passed out without even chewing or slowwing, waking up 3hours later to find the food still in my mouth. anaesthesia killed me this time. i was a zombie.

*****

1st week post-op, i took paracetamol and dihydrocodeine as painkillers. fearing i might run out of supply, i cut back at the 2 of each 4 times a day to only twice a day. that proved fruitless as the pain kicked in bad. i was grimacing and hold back breaths just to let time pass.

now since its been almost two weeks, ive only paracetamol left, taking it with ibuprofen, 2 of each before i sleep daily. yeah, these wonder drugs help me sleep as i believe the ibuprofen knocks me out each night. but unlucky for me, i jolt back up in bed only to meet 2 types of pain on a daily basis.

1. the analgesic effects of the drugs run out, giving me the killing painful sensation.
2. since i jolt up in bed so fast, i accidentally over-flex my right leg, giving me another jolt of excruciating electrical impulse radiating all over my body.

i used to take another round of these mild analgesias to help elevate the pain but hey, i guess i built up resistance. damn, i could eat the whole pack of paracetamol n ibuprofen but still be in pain. and eventually end up killing myself.

it was one day i found the alternative. i actually took wudhu' to perform subuh prayer that i found when i washed my leg with ice cold water, i focus on the freezing sensation over the pain.

now, nightly at hourly intervals, i would automatically wake up as if programmed to do so, just to bathe my leg in ice cold water for 5mins until it goes numb before i get back to sleep again. i tell you it works, but i hardly get quality sleep now. i nod off in lectures in the morning. this leg is really taking its toll on me.


"Ya Allah, peliharalah daku, kurniakanlah aku kesihatan, sembuhkanlah aku secepat mungkin kerana sesungguhnya Engkaulah Maha Penyembuh. Ringankanlah beban kesakitan yang aku tanggungi ini. Jadikanlah aku antara hamba-hambamu yang bersabar, beriman dan bertakwa kepadaMu. Engkaulah Maha Pemberi Hikmah disebalik setiap kejadian. Ameen"