Realization

I never thought it would take this long.

I once mentioned that i wanted to be all that i could be. i guess its not just me, it might be the same for any1 and evry1 to feel such. anyhow, i'm glad things are becoming clearer and clearer.

there are days when i had thoughts of, cemana agaknye kalo mabuk? sure xde nk pk2 masalah hidup ni. it would be easier to hv pre-marital sex wif brits to quench my sexual needs since they dont mind and nobody would know.

There are thgs that ure soo curious about, you ache to try em but you know you can't. well, to me at least i still hv the moral judgment to keep me away from such thgs when the urge comes. some have lost that, and i pity them. to them it might be fun, liberal, cool, a way to bond, socialising, dh-dok-kt-UK-nk-tunggu-apa-lg, hodonistic school of thoughts but alhamdulillah, i still understand that there's no compromise in religion. at least not in matters clearly stated as haram.



it has been haunting me, when i look back at the past 21 years of my life, especially the years away from home, that i myself pollute and corrupt my past with immoral actions, driven by lust, wordly desire when the awaiting prize in the here after is uncomparable to the pleasures of this world. I blame myself for letting my nafs take over and lead me on, when it should be my iman. It has come to the time that insyaAllah, i will turn over a new leaf, and do what i was created to do. to serve the Almighty.

theres always that distant voice in the back of my head, bargaining with my concious mind that yes, i can do this, i can do that when i know i cant. and many times before, i have succumbed to that voice of filth. with the upcoming ramadhan, i plead to the Most Merciful to set my path straight, to lead me into His blessing, to grant me jannah and the success and happiness of life in this world and the world to come. I seek refuge and forgiveness from Him for all my sinful past. I seek forgiveness from You.

There have been incidences in life that has finally brought me to this realization. Though really costly, i thank Him for answering my prayers. Driven by changes I have seen in friends, I realize changing is always possible. Being good is no less cool compared to my previous definition of coolness. it was all in my head. cool, skema, nerd, hopeless, extreme. words used by me to label people who i thought was different from me but now only to realize i did so because i saw myself as superior or unadaptable to their ways, a class above or wut they do is not worthy of my time. but now, it seems these "uncool" people were banking on their akhirat shares and saham, and in the end of all ends, could be the people having the last laugh.

I would like to particularly express my gratitude to Allah for allowing me to spend time with a person I call Nawi. He showed me abiding Islamic rules, doing sunat or nawafil deeds is so much cooler than spiking my hair with gel and trying to attract eyes of the opposite sex. He showed that being so called Islamic has nothg to do with extremism or being seen as people at the end of a good-bad spectrum. He showed me that being a better muslim will not limit me or deprive me off my interests in this worldly life. He showed attending the mosque for jamaah prayers takes soo little effort and time compared to the time I used to waste just to heave my bottom off the chair in front of my laptop. He showed me that once you start doing good for the right reasons, you get addicted to it and you'll want to do more good. He showed me being good, was never a loss in life.

i used to think that fulfilling my duties as a servant would restrict me, deprive me off friends, limit my interactions wif people, but know i see the beauty in it. It takes that little bit more effort to keep it going, and once we're on the right track, insyaAllah, Al-Khaliq will see us through. Compulsory daily prayers are no longer a matter i joke about with friends like I used to. Praying at the end of prayer times or even after is a matter i now hinder with the best of might.

Some people might put their studies or other worldly matters and duties at stake to chase such dreams. To be awarded jannah in the life to come. They put 150% effort in these activities but only 70% of attention to their studies. They want to get the most out of their ibadah but they do not see their studies as ibadah. Realising this matter cannot get any clearer as the sun in the middle of a desert, or as the cornea surrounded by the whites of our eyes. We must realize this matter, and take our studies to the next level. Do it for Allah and for ourselves. Study like our life depends on it and never take anythg for granted. Ibadah Khususiah is needed to further vitalise the soul but always remember to be moderate and not forget our worldly tasks. In fact, everythg we do is an ibadah given it does not wrong the rules of Islam and we do it in the name of Allah.

As mentioned in a Friday khutbah, humans were made from 2 main components; the soil and the soul. This matter reflects our responsiblity to balance our material and spiritual obligations in life, never leaving either behind.

However, in another khutbah, it was also mentioned that we must always be moderate in our ibadah khususiah as so not to neglect our responsibilities in life. It was narrated that even the Prophet Muhammad SAW himself proclaimed that even with his amount of ibadah, he is still not guaranteed jannah for that is totally and ultimately dependent on the will of Allah. But we must never take this as a message that eventho leading a life of sins, we can still be granted heaven because every deed in this world shall be repayed. never leave repentance to our elderly years for death is known to Allah and Allah only.

Narrated Abu Hurairah R.A.: The Prophet SAW said:

"religion is very easy and whoever overburdens himself in his religion will not be able to continue in that way. so you should not be extremists, but try to be near to perfection and receive the tidings that you will be rewarded; and gain strength by offering the salat (prayers) in the mornings, afternoons and during the last hours of the nights"

(sahih al-Bukhari)

I would like to remind myself and to others reading this, it is never too soon or too late to change. May Allah forgive our sinful pasts and prepare us for Ramdhan Al-Mubarak. Amin.